


Holes

by FPwoper



Series: Kinks galore (SPN Kink Bingo 2017) [6]
Category: Supernatural
Genre: Character Death, Dean/Cas is in the past, Dubious Consent, M/M, Not Safe Sane and Consensual, Pining, Rough Sex, Suicidal Thoughts, Unhealthy Coping Mechanisms
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-08-06
Updated: 2017-08-06
Packaged: 2018-12-12 01:40:27
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,356
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11726841
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/FPwoper/pseuds/FPwoper
Summary: It has taken Castiel longer than he wanted to admit to get over the death of his boyfriend Dean. Now, though, three years later, he finally feels up to starting to date again. He thinks. Maybe.Square filled for spnkinkbingo: Calthazar





	Holes

**Author's Note:**

> Thank God for Spotify, which was shuffling through a massive playlist but somehow played _Holes in the Sky_ (M83 ft. HAIM) while writing this. And _What Kind of Love_ (Avantasia). It destroyed me.  
>  Unbeta'd. First time (ever) writing Calthazar. I'm still on the fence about this pair.
> 
> Square filled for the SPN Kink Bingo: Calthazar

Holes

 

It has taken Castiel longer than he wanted to admit to get over the death of his boyfriend Dean. Even though they never expected to have more than the few months Dean had been told to expect at the last check-in at the hospital… Cas sniffles when he thinks about the nurse pronouncing Dean dead after three weeks in a brain-dead coma. The cancer had spread too fast and no one had been able to do anything about it.

 

Now, though, three years later, he finally feels up to starting to date again. He’ll never go for someone as buff and blonde as Dean, not anymore. He can’t deal with being reminded about Dean every few minutes. Dates wouldn’t be comfortable if all Cas could think about was Dean.

 

The guy he is currently out with was blonde, but his attitude is completely different from Dean’s. Balthazar is snarky and a little more… direct than Dean had ever been. It’s a welcome change, really, and Castiel isn’t above admitting that he’s enjoying their date, even though they are having dinner at a fancy restaurant he’d never pick himself. Conversation flows freely and Balthazar makes him laugh more times than he can count. Cas can’t help but remember how Dean always did that, too, and his smile dies down.

 

Balthazar notices, of course, and he reaches over the table for Cas’ hand. “Are you alright, my dear?”

 

Cas swallows. “Yeah, just… remembering.”

 

Balthazar nods in understanding. He was Dean’s nurse in the final months, and even though it wasn’t him who called time of death, he knows what Cas has gone through. It’s actually a stroke of luck that brought them back together again. When Balthazar had been caring for Dean, Cas couldn’t look at him at all, but he’d always been emotionally supportive when Cas needed it. And now he still is, apparently.

 

“That’s okay.” Balthazar keeps his hand on top of Cas’, caressing the top. “I’m here if you want to talk.”

 

Castiel exhales softly and manages a smile. “Thanks, but I don’t want to ruin this date by talking about my dead ex-boyfriend.”

 

“You wouldn’t. I know what the both of you went through, so it might even be easier to talk.”

 

“I wanted to commit suicide when he died.” Balthazar blinks and opens his mouth to say something, but Castiel continues before he can say something. “It was his mom who convinced me I should stay alive, even if it was just to live through all those painful days, even if it was just so _she_ wouldn’t be alone with the grief.” Castiel swallows. “She wanted me to stay alive so we could commemorate Dean’s life. Not his death.”

 

“She’s a great woman,” Balthazar says. “She still comes in sometimes to volunteer with the other children in terminal care.”

 

“She does?” Castiel says, glad that Balthazar doesn’t fall to his knees in shock by his admissions. “I lost contact with her a year ago. I didn’t feel like doing anything anymore, and it kind of left me… lost and alone.”

 

“Damn, Cas,” Balthazar says. “That’s… a lot.”

 

“It is,” Castiel admits. “And I wouldn’t even be dumping this on you if you… if you hadn’t seen Dean in his final months. Really. But I feel like you know me already, and I think I might be ready to get to know someone a little better, and–” He cuts himself off abruptly. “This really isn’t dinner talk.”

 

“Well, let’s move on to a bar, then.” Balthazar says. “Or one of our houses, if you feel up to it.”

 

“I’d rather go home than to a bar,” Castiel says. “If you don’t mind.”

 

“I don’t mind.”

 

***

 

Twenty minutes later they are sitting on Castiel’s bed, and Balthazar is already half naked.

 

“When you said I could come home I didn’t imagine this was going to happen,” Balthazar confesses. “I thought you were going to talk to me about Dean and about… well, everything that happened after.”

 

Castiel shrugs. “I changed my mind. I just want you to fuck me now.”

 

Balthazar sighs and slowly starts undressing further while Cas just takes off his pants and underwear. He leaves his shirt on and Balthazar notices how he’s wrapping his arms around himself protectively. Castiel isn’t even hard.

 

“Are you sure this is what you want?” Balthazar asks once more, and Castiel nods decisively.

 

“Please.”

 

Castiel starts working on his own dick and miraculously he gets hard. It takes Balthazar a little longer, but he gets there, too. Castiel has started prepping himself in the meantime but he does a sloppy and half-assed job. He doesn’t want Balthazar to be as soft and gentle as Dean was. He wants rough and painful – pain’s the only way he can cope with sex.

 

So he rolls over and presents his ass to Balthazar. “Fuck me.”

 

Balthazar still looks sceptical but he rolls on the condom and applies some more lube just to be sure. He doesn’t want to hurt Cas, but since Cas apparently wants pain… Balthazar loves rough sex at times but he doesn’t know if this really is the best for Castiel.

 

When he finally slides in slowly, Cas immediately shoves back and tries to take Balthazar completely instead of inch by inch. Balthazar stops him, though. “Humour me, love,” he says. “I know you want pain, but I don’t want to tear you.”

 

Castiel whines but slows down. Balthazar takes his time but once he’s fully seated, he can’t stop the moan. “God, you’re tight.”

 

Castiel mumbles something under his breath which sounds an awful lot like “that’s just how I want it”, but Balthazar isn’t sure, so he just sets a slow pace. If Castiel wants it fast and rough, he’ll have to work for it.

 

Which he does, and he’s quick about it. Not even two thrusts in Castiel starts meeting Balthazar’s rhythm, and he immediately starts moving faster. Balthazar’s close to the edge in a few minutes, the pace Cas set is punishing. It starts chafing, too, and that’s when Balthazar looks down in worry. He wasn’t lying when he told Cas that he doesn’t want him to tear anything – so he needs to check. He looks down, but there doesn’t seem to be anything wrong so he adds some more lube.

 

Castiel is very silent while still propped up on his elbows and Balthazar is slightly worried about the man. Still, he trusts Cas to tell him if he’s not okay, so he keeps on going.

 

At one point, Cas lets Balthazar slip out of him and turns them around so he can ride Balthazar instead. At that point, all bets are off and Castiel set the pace fast again. Two minutes later Balthazar comes, but Castiel is still bouncing up and down, eyes closed and expression focused. He doesn’t seem to notice that Balthazar’s already come and that he’s slowly softening.

 

It’s painful to watch for Balthazar – Cas looks so focused on getting to orgasm and it doesn’t look comfortable anymore. It surprises Balthazar when Cas comes with a cry and collapses on top of him. There are tear tracks on his cheeks, and when Balthazar rolls them around to get up, dispose of the condom, and get a wet washcloth, Castiel winces and actually moans in pain when Balthazar withdraws.

 

Balthazar hurries back and while cleaning the both of them up he notices the trickle of blood that’s steadily leaking from Cas. He gasps and presses the towel tightly against Cas’ torn asshole.

 

“Cas…” Balthazar starts. He doesn’t know what to say, though.

 

“I wanted it, Balth,” Castiel whispers. “It had to hurt. I’m sorry.”

 

Balthazar sighs and keeps Castiel close in a hug. “We need to talk about this, okay? But we can do that in the morning, I’m not leaving you alone right now, okay?”

 

Castiel knows he doesn’t have anything to say about that, Balthazar simply won’t leave, and he agrees. “Okay.” His lower body just hurts now, and he needs sleep, and then they will talk in the morning of what to make of this.

**Author's Note:**

> Please tell me what you think. Personally, I don't think this is my best one ever, but please tell me what you think. Kudos and comments are appreciated.
> 
> I'm on [tumblr.](https://fpwoper.tumblr.com/)


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